My love for Zachary

The Beginning:
When Audrey(his mom, my sister in law) was pregnant with Zachary I hoped that God's plan for them was to keep them healthy in this phase of life...and God did. I would feel Audrey's stomach all the time when she announced that he was moving. I LOVED it when he responded with movement of any sort and would sometimes kiss her tummy(in a non weird way, haha...we are extremely close) as if I was kissing his sweet self.

Fast forward

The News:
I was sitting in my living room on Monday Oct 26, planning on getting stuff done since I was going to work the next day. I saw my aunt on skype and was chatting with her when my mom called and said Audrey was 4cm and she and Brian were headed to the hospital. This was around 1:30pm. It was kind of funny I found out through skype(I was talking with my aunt, my mom called her and she said outloud what mom was saying on the phone) that they were heading to the hospital, I guess Brian told mom she could call everybody but Karen and me because he wanted to call us...who knew! We laughed about that later.

I slammed my laptop shut, jumped in the shower(which I normally take at night but had planned on running first that day)got dressed, packed a few pair of clothes to head to the hospital and off I went...only to realize when I was in my car heading out of the driveway that I had no idea how to get to Rex hospital, haha!

I did all that and was in my car with no directions in approximately 37 minutes. I was in such a hurry for one because I was so stinkin' excited. For two, I told Audrey awhile back when she asked, that she could use my laptop while she was in labor...this was their only request from me so I was gonna make it happen and was SO happy they asked!

The Hospital:
I found my way and was the first one to get there from our family. I hurried up and found audrey's mom, audrey, and brian sitting in the room. I dropped off my backpack, complete with my laptop, dvds, and some popcorn(for brian, haha) and gave him a hug. It didn't take me long to realize she was in active labor when I went to love on Zachary(aka Audrey's stomach) and as I was 2 inches away, audrey in her sweet voice said softly but firmly "wait!" and that's all it took. I know pregnant women(I'm an L&D nurse) so I respected that, and then her parents and I let them be as the cord blood lady came in to ask questions.

I talked with Audrey's parents outside of their room for about 10 minutes about common labor stuff/process and then we decided to just go to the waiting room. This was the last I saw of Brian and Audrey before Zachary. I did try to go back and see them and when I knocked on the door, the nurse outside said Audrey was showering. But I knew I heard another voice, only to find out later that Katie(audrey's sister) had snuck in for a few while I was with their parents walking around to find coffee. I'll try to fast forward a little and leave out some pretty pointless details...

So the families started piling in(and aunt Jill brought us all some Dunkin doughnuts!)...

Katie, audrey's sister, is pregnant herself and she was on edge for the majority of audreys labor, knowing her sister was in pain while laboring, etc. By on edge, I mean she did not like being on the other end of having a baby, the waiting part(she has a little boy)! None of us did, really. I found her at one point(when I got tired of not knowing myself)pacing the hallway hoping her sister was okay. I remember thinking and I think I said to her that Audrey is not only the sweetest, soft-spoken, most gentle person I knew, but also one of the strongest people I knew. Not sure if it helped her, but it helped me not to worry about her myself, haha.

Zachary is Born!:
Katie, Karen, and I were all sitting on a hard-ish type bench staring at the elevator for at least 2-3 hrs waiting for Brian or someone to get off and tell us we could come see our first Nephew! We watched the numbers go down from floor 2 like it was our job...and no one ever came. I asked the security guy if they had moved rooms and he said yes and gave me the number! I immediately told the family I knew he had been born and apparently they were in room 320. The real number was 323 but I wanted to beat them all and selfishly love on him myself so I purposely told them a different room. But I knew they would find out sooner rather than later, so it was more me trying to be funny...I only told Katie the real room number, I knew she was equally as excited as I was, we were such proud, excited aunts! We found out around 9:30pm that Audrey had delivered. Brian called mom and said we could all go up.

HAHA, it makes me laugh thinking about it. Katie, Karen and I b-lined it to the elevator and politely told our families that we could not wait for them, therefore we were the first ones in the room. We were greeted at the door by Brian holding Zachary swaddled nicely in a baby blanket and Audrey just as beautiful as ever in the bed. I loved on bubba(Brian) and gave kisses to Zachary(and then audrey), not wanting to seem selfish in asking to hold him, knowing I might not have first dibs considering there were a bagillion of us there wanting him...

Then the rest of the family came in and we all analyzed his adorable, most perfect and beautiful self and were overwhelmed with excitement. We were all there for a few and then people started to fizzle out(it was getting late) and just my immediate family and audrey's immediate family stayed around. We had much much waiting before we finally got to go back in and hold the sweet fella for a few. It was worth every bit of waiting to hold him, for the 10 minutes I got. I LOVED HIM SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH. He was just beautiful. I'm not bias, haha...I've seen ALOT of babies, and he was gorgeous.

Work:
I debated for awhile onMonday about whether I should call out of work on Tuesday, and looking back I am SO glad I did. I went home with mom and dad that night and we went back up to the hospital the next day...and I got to hold Zachary AGAIN for a little longer(not nearly long enough of course though)! Katie and Bobby had stopped by for a few and they left shortly after we arrived. We played pass the baby for a little bit :) He was SO precious. His little foot at one point had become all dis-raveled in transit from one family member to another and was sticking out when I was holding him. My mom went to put it back in, and I said no...I wanted to see his little foot and leg. I loved it, and I am glad I got to see his little precious feet. I eventually covered them back up, I wouldn't let my little fella get cold!

That is all I have of my memories of Zachary. There are a lot more details I left out and I could add more to the story, but this is all I got for now...and its really long.

I am very thankful to have had the time I did with Zachary, many of our relatives never got to meet him or hold him. I feel so so grateful and miss him so so much. I loved him a lot. He will forever be my first nephew.

Zachary Nathanael Wiggs and Faith

Well well, where to start? I'm sure most of you reading this know a little of what is going on right now. If not, here's what's up:

My nephew, Zachary Nathanael Wiggs, was born on October 26th to the most amazing parents ever(not just cause they are my kenfolk either), and passed away unexpectedly on October 30th. We have no reason, no disease, no mishap and nothing/no one to blame his death on, which can be hard to comprehend at times. I have resolved to accept it as God's plan and sovereign will for Zachary's life.

I obviously have had many thoughts go through my head the past 5 days as I digest and deal with not only my enormous hurt and grief, but my brother and sister in law's pain and the rest of our family's pain. I might as well share them with you...

I want to address my faith in this post, the next one will be all of the wonderful thoughts and memories of Zachary I have and had when Zachary was born, etc.

Many people say it is okay to "question God". I put this in quotation marks because the wording can be taken in 2 different ways and I hold an opinion that says only one is okay(for now at least). I believe to question God is not okay. From personal experience with hardships in the past, I unfortunately chose this path once before, and hated it. I believe to ask God why in a sense of "Lord why did you let this happen?" is to question God's character, authority, and in essence, allows a small amount of doubt to creep in. In my experience a couple of years ago, satan grabbed that little bit of doubt and drug me down, I questioned my faith and everything else I had ever been 100% sure about. It was awful, and only by God's grace did I get through. If you are a child of God, He will not let you go. He continued to bring me to his word, and it was my daily bread, even through doubting. Sry, got off on a tangent, but that explains why I don't know that asking God "why?" in that sense, is healthy. Give satan a foothold when he's already out to "steal, kill, and destroy" you, and you are in for a tough ride.

Tell me what you think about the previous paragraph....I wrestle with a lot of thoughts and continue to run to scripture with my questions, you might have insight or answers I've not yet been shown or given...or perhaps if you know me, you can suggest I reword this paragraph to make more sense to communicate what I believe. :)

The question I believe is okay to ask God is "What is your purpose in this Lord? Because surely you do not willingly bring affliction upon your children(lamentations 3). Your word says you are loving, full of compassion and slow to anger. You must have some purpose in taking Zachary's life that will bring you glory and fame?" That is what I am thinking. God created us to glorify and praise Him. He is all knowing and His ways and thoughts are higher than my ways and thoughts(Isaiah 55:8-9). When Job questioned God, God responded..."where were you when the foundations of the earth were formed." hmmm The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord.

That last paragraph was hard to write. I believe and trust in God and His Word. But that doesn't take away the pain and the fact that I am still hurting, really really bad. My heart hurts so bad I cannot explain it. I ask those questions and wait in expectation for God to reveal His plan and purpose in all this. May I have opportunities through my precious Zachary to share God's name with others and how Jesus Christ rescued me from eternal death.

Death came into this world because Adam and Eve chose to eat the fruit God forbid them to eat. This is the first occasion sin entered the world, and we(decedents of Adam) have been sinful ever since. BUT, Death has been conquered by Jesus Christ on the Cross and this gives me the hope that I will see Zachary again one day, because I have trusted that Christ paid for my sins on the Cross and has given me eternal life, even when this earthly life is over.

If you have questions about any of this, feel free to ask me, I ain't skeered. :)

whew, I feel so scattered right now...more to come on my experience(s) with Zachary, my precious, sweet, beautiful nephew...